Finding the Stars

"Disturb us, Lord, when

We are too pleased with ourselves, 

When our dreams have come true

Because we have dreamed too little,

When we arrived safely

Because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, Lord, when

With the abundance of things we possess,

We have lost our thirst

For the waters of life;

Having fallen in love with life,

We have ceased to dream of eternity

And in our efforts to build a new earth, 

We have allowed our vision

Of the new Heaven to dim.

Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,

To venture on wider seas

Where storms will show Your mastery;

Where losing sight of the land,

We shall find the stars."—Sir Francis Drake, 1577

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This has been one of my favorite poems for a while now. It captures the way I long to live. I don't want people to look at me and think I am successful through my own ambition. I want my dreams to be so wild that the only possible way they could be accomplished is through the power of Jesus. He will receive the glory for my full life. 

Four months ago, I was packing my world into a 50L backpack. One trip across the earth and back — and it's hard to believe that I'm home. 

My time in India and the Himalayas was spectacular. I find myself struggling to find the words to describe the adventure of it all. 

It was 3 months of surrender. 3 months of self-discipline. 3 months of hard truths. 3 months of freezing cold bucket showers and rooftop sunrises and rice upon rice. 3 months of Kingdom Come. 3 months of the grace of Jesus. 3 months gone in the blink of an eye. 

I think I expected to come home to an unrecognizable place, but home is exactly the same. Time went on for three months at the same rate it always does in KY, and I feel a little lost and ostracized because I'm not sure how to explain that I've lived a thousand lifetimes in the past 100 days. I'm different. 

Don't get me wrong; I was looking forward to going home. I craved a hot shower and food other than white rice and dark red kidney beans. I was excited to see friends and family. I wanted to take a long drive in my car and blast the music and roll down the windows. I wanted to go rock climbing with my brother and watch a movie with my friends. And a part of me is really, really happy to be home. 

But then I have these moments where I walk into the grocery store and it feels like my world is collapsing. 

America: the land of dreams and abundance. But I've been around the world a couple of times, and I now look at the abundance of this country with a little twinge in my heart. At what cost?

This past week I've spent some time reflecting on just how ridiculous my life has been lately. 

It's ridiculous that I was in the Middle East on a fifteen-hour layover during my senior prom. It's ridiculous that I had to stay in a sketchy Nepali hospital for three nights; it's ridiculous that I had to GIVE MYSELF AN ENEMA. (If you don't know what that is...... don't look it up.) It's ridiculous that I spent my last high school spring break washing t-shirts in a bucket.

I started asking myself questions. When did this life become normal for me? Why does this lifestyle make so much more sense than living in a big house and having a successful career? Who would knowingly choose to be a nomad, a sojourner for their whole lives? 

I know only one thing with certainty: I believe in Jesus Christ with everything I've got and I will go anywhere for the gospel.  My dream of graduating early and moving to the Himalayas was ridiculous. Wild. Dangerous, even. Unattainable by myself. 

But by the Lord's grace, I spent three incredible, raw, full months in South Asia and I have never been more enamored with life. It's my prayer that when people see pictures or hear stories from my trip, they see a life that is only attainable through God's grace. 

This trip was surely a reflection of His goodness. 

Prayer Requests:

I would love it if you could join me in praying this verse over my life! 

Psalm 34.4— "I prayed to the Lord and He answered me. He freed me from all of my fears."

Reflection Questions:What dreams do you have that are only attainable through the power of Jesus?