Shapeshifting

Always feeling a little out of place,

like I could fit in if I wanted to...

But do I want to?

What if I woke up one day and

drank some vodka and put on a skirt

and played the part of being nineteen and in college.

Or what if I loosened my grip on normalcy,

messed up my hair and woke up my tenderness,

rubbed dirt on my face and

felt a little bit more like myself.

It's a war between feeling like

I don't belong here and believing

that I even should.

I don't know what I want;

I can't tell what is wrong and right anymore,

so I'm losing my old self in

flashing lights and intoxication and insecurity.

The weather is cold now

and I dig myself a grave of self destruction,

forfeit all my values,

and shapeshift into what you want:

A pretty face and an angelic presence,

experienced or pure,

willing to follow you to the ends of the earth

and surely to the end of myself.

We dance with mischief and flirtation,

and I wrap myself around you at the party.

There are 50 other people here

but I'm only fixated on you.

I just wish I had the words

to describe everything I feel.

Maybe things would feel easier if

I could say this out loud.

You, in all your foolishness and arrogance

and boyishness and warmth.

I am so soft for you but you are ruining me.

I shapeshift to be what you need,

but in all the intensity and emotion and passion,

I am afraid that I am losing myself.